At first, I thought it must be a misconception.

Perhaps I misunderstood… Did people really live good honest lives back when I was growing up? Were neighbors helpful, nice and friendly? Did church folks share their bounty and blessings? Did the nasty people of the world really get what was coming to them?

There was a time when people who weren’t nice got a hunk of coal in their Christmas stocking and that was enough to convince them to straighten up their act and get on the other side of list. But I’m finding that doesn’t happen any more.

Good doesn’t always win. And bad people often get more from life than they deserve. Karma doesn’t always come around. And there’s a point in adulthood where you no longer believe that good things always come to those who wait for them, you figure out by then that some days LIFE SUCKS! but the alternative isn’t acceptable, so you pray for a better day tomorrow and try to remain a positive influence on today.

Posted in loving gratitude of my childish exuberance!

Words by Loretta Lynn

Somebody, somewhere don’t know what he’s missin’ tonight.

It must have all started with that darn’d old Late Show.
It made me so lonely and sad.
And to make it all better, I kept getting bluer,
With each little drink that I had.
So I tuned in a DJ,
Who played every sad song he owned.
Lord, I need someone so, but everyone I know,
Is away, bein’ needed at home.

Somebody, somewhere don’t know what he’s missin’ tonight.
Lord, here sits a woman, just lonesome enough to be right.
For love ‘em or leave ‘em, how I need someone to hold tight.
Somebody, somewhere don’t know what he’s missin’ tonight.

Several years ago, I experienced quite possibly the cruelest treatment of my life by a woman and her son during what should have been the finest hour for all those involved. I followed my heart during that time and held on for dear life to my faith and God’s unending love and patience. I remained close by, but away from what happened.

I prayed and continued to serve, as best I could at the time, those involved who would allow me to meet their needs. Most often from a distance, because there were serious issues and one person’s life literally hung in jeopardy due to substance and spousal abuse issues.

I maintained prayer vigils, not only my own, but with prayer partners and my own prayer groups who have continued to pray for the safety of those victims involved. Through others, we were able to encourage and motivate the victim of this situation into a more secure place. The victim made more choices putting them in danger with these same people until several months later when a more secure situation was available to them. Still the prayer vigils continued.

I knew the prayer vigils and my faith were being recognized one afternoon when the phone rang. The victim needed to ask a question. That’s all, just a simple question. My faith grew and I was able to keep up the prayer vigils and keep the faith. Hope became part of my language and demeanor once again. Life began to light up. Strength surrounded me and I knew that there would eventually be solutions that I didn’t have to do anything to provide.

Ultimately, the victim in this case would recognize the abuse going on in her life for what it was and I just needed to be there when that happened.

I was there. Sometimes driving hours to arrive just in the nick of time to fulfill my own responsibilities, but always THERE. I was never called on to condemn, judge or belittle, even though the abusers remained part of her life at random intervals after the situation changed. My objective and my duty was to love, provide encouragement and keep up my own faith. I prayed.

That’s all I was required, EVER, to do.

Through all manner of difficulty and trials, the abusers randomly appeared as part of the family, aloof and slightly distant, but always in the background at events. The situation began to change as more recognition of the abuse was realized. When issues arose, I maintained my own position of prayer and faith.

As the battle heated up, more abuse came. This time by way of emotional threats, attempts to break apart friends and family, but we continued to pray and trust that God was in charge. Nothing could come to us outside His control. Our faith was sure, and our hope was in Him.

Today, hope and faith are strong. Prayers are still going up, and life is good. We know the outcome, God is in control. Thank you Lord!

Who has a halo and who has horns becomes a rift in relationships in families, bringing the value of each person down to the perception of others. But why?

There are those who set out to use others, and those who give beyond the value of giving. When the two come together, the user has a ready servant. No other time is slavery acceptable. Blackmail? Not generally even legal, except in the case of the giving family member.

If you’re a giver, boundaries aren’t your issue, because you’ve chosen to be a giver. The problem comes with users realize you’re a giver. They attack relentlessly demanding that you give to them. They wear you down, beat you up emotionally and continue to use you long after you’ve asked them to stop. They keep asking, because they know you won’t say “STOP!”

Is it the giver’s fault or the user’s fault?

Nobody really knows, and it probably isn’t a matter of whose fault it really is, but a matter of values and taking personal responsibility. Fault is a different kind of term that allows one to blame the other. Taking personal responsibility for personal values doesn’t necessarily blame others, but rather assumes the responsibility and acts accordingly, according to ones own values.

Justice doesn’t come with halos or horns, it comes with the realization that we’re not completely responsible for another person. It comes when we realize that people make their own personal choices and accept that those choices were theirs to make, without condemnation or complaint.

An opinion stated doesn’t need to be refuted, battled or belittled. It can simply be accepted as an opinion, worthy of being heard. Sometimes, acknowledgement is all that is required. On those occasions when you disagree, it’s okay to say, “I have a different opinion than that.” And stop. You don’t have to belittle the person whose opinion you disagree with until they change their mind. Chances are they won’t.

Emotionally beating people up for having a different opinion is the same as using them.

The option is to acknowledge differences of opinion and move beyond the topic. It can be done. It’s called letting go…

But that isn’t a popular stance to take.

In light of a recent attack by a Grizzly in Alaska, students were injured. The bear cub most likely was not in danger, the students were crossing a river, single file, attempting to learn safe camping options for the Alaskan Wilderness. And yet, the Mama Grizzly perceived danger.

I’m Jan Verhoeff and I want to share with you that there is ALWAYS help for anyone in an abusive situation. Don’t give up, and don’t stop protecting your young.

In much the same way that a Mama Grizzly protects her cubs, a Mom watches over her babies and reaches out to protect them from the beastly bad influences of those who endanger them elsewhere. Life offers up its own share of dangers, one of the many are abusive parents.

Abusive former spouses who behave as neglectful parents rarely show up later with the best interests of the child in mind. Their efforts are more likely to include  emotionally abusive behaviors, toward the primary care parent and the child, escalating into physical abuse. The neglectful parent who spends his visits with the child attempting to impress the primary care parent in the early days doesn’t change his behaviors later. He simply goes at his ill structured strategies with a different tact, abuse by threatening the child, or threatening to take away the child.

His threats generally include accusations of behaviors he, himself is guilty of in one way or another. Often his threats are against people the caring parent trusts, still attempting to separate and isolate the caring parent, his former spouse. His attempts to control and manipulate NEVER stop. They NEVER change, his just shifts his tactics to a different format. Once an abusive spouse, always an abusive spouse – the concept is true.

When courts ignore obvious problems and order custody to be shared between a strong, caring parent who is working hard to provide for a child and the neglectful parent who lacks work ethic, parenting skills and basic good sense, they endanger the child. In this day when abuse is so easily recognized, an officer of the court who ignores obvious symptoms, sends children into a dangerous situation.

It is easy to understand why women get so caught up in abusive relationships. Men drag them into relationships saying all the right things, doing all the things that make them feel loved and supported, only to break their hearts and hurt them again with emotionally abusive behavior. There are many indicators that a person has become a victim of emotional and/or physical abuse, many of them obvious, others not so obvious. If you suspect a person has become a victim of emotional or physical abuse, you should offer to listen, be attentive and supportive. Remind the person that there is help for their situation. Frequently tell the person you love and care for them, offer them options, offer invitations, openings for the possible victim to talk, to leave, to get help. Your offers may be the only thing that keeps that person reaching out, and eventually helps them to leave an abusive relationship.

Above all, if you recognize an abusive situation, don’t stop reaching out until that person is safe. Keep reaching, keep offering, keep loving, and keep praying until the victim of abuse is safe.

I’m not a fan of the way most people attempt to set boundaries. Not only is the method self serving and ineffective, but more often than not,  blatantly RUDE.

Example: Discussions of religion or politics.

These topics are not readily acceptable in public, but if you have a problem with them being discussed, YOU are the one with the problem, not everyone in the room. Most adults are capable of having a conversation without attacking others, and those who understand that others have a difference of opinion may disagree, but they don’t attack.

Those who don’t understand this may need a little help, a boundary if you like, to adjust their message a bit.

A good boundary would be, “I disagree with what you’re saying and we’re not going to be able to agree, but I appreciate you sharing. Now, might be a good time to change the topic. My grandmother has taken up ballet dancing in France, would you like to see her photos?”

A bad boundary is, “What you say offends me and I expect an apology from you before I can continue to talk to you.”

The first example, the speaker takes responsibility for his/her own feelings, states the fact that the two won’t agree and acknowledge the other person’s right to have an opinion, then moves on to a different topic.

The second example, the speaker gives ALL responsibility for the offense to the other person, demands an apology, and figuratively “takes his toys and goes home.”

Either example can be used by the person who feels offended, but the second one takes no responsibility for his personal choices. This social boundary is one that prevails more often than not, leaving the person who feels offended with no personal control over his/her feelings. OOOPS. Do they want NO CONTROL over their feelings?

When friendship goes wrong because boundaries are wrongly used, the person who gave up all responsibility for their personal feelings becomes a “self-made” VICTIM waiting indefinitely for their “proclaimed abuser” to validate their existence and victim status by apologizing for having an opinion. The second person if they fall for the demand, then becomes an enabler, actuating the victim status with the proposed apology, and feeling frustrated themselves for having apologized for something they feel no REAL guilt over.

Psycho-babble? Yes, of the worst kind.

Often, so called psychiatrists, dig deep into a person’s psychic and offer perceived explanations for self-created victim status, applauding the “victim” for seeking help. Psychiatrists and Counselors make BIG Money applauding victims in their pursuit of “help” as they spend hours listening to the “victim” explain how others have wronged them, wrongly.

In all the counseling sessions I’ve attended (and there have been a few), there were VERY few trained counselors who indicated that I should take responsibility for my own actions/reactions and either move on from a relationship or simply let go of the relationship to allow the other person to take responsibility for their own actions. More often, the counselor/psychiatrist indicated I should seek to repair the broken relationship by explaining to the other person their fault in the break.

No. No… No! That’s not the solution!

With any situation, if you can OWN it, you can FIX it.

Take responsibility for the broken relationship. Understand your own part in the situation and acknowledge that you might have been at fault, then fix it if you can. If you can’t fix it, take responsibility for your own choices and walk away – NOT A VICTIM. Don’t jump into the fire accepting all responsibility if it isn’t yours, that enables a victim mentality in the other person. But do own  your part in the situation and FIX that part. If there’s more and you can’t fix it, see if you can discuss it with the other person, but if there’s no option for fixing the problem other than enabling the person to continue being a victim, stop there.

Say this, “I love you and I am at fault for my part of this issue. I’ll fix that, but I can’t take responsibility for your part of the problem. It’s been a lovely friendship and I’ll miss you, but I won’t carry your part of our friendship as well as my own. God bless you my friend, I’ll be praying for you.”

And let them go their way, with your blessings.

Tell me how you handle broken friendships and how you might fix one, if possible. I’d like other thoughts on this issue.

My sister is a talented woman. Our talents are the least of our problems, and I don’t think either of us lacks any confidence in that area of our lives. She’s got a particular style that carries through in anything she attempts, and I’ve got a very different style that carries through in my artistic ventures. Seldom do our skills overlap in any given area, although we both use some of the same mediums.

The problems arise when others dare to meddle in our tea. Mind you, we both like our tea, quite differently prepared. I like my tea hot or cold, with lemon and honey or a little cream, and she prefers hers as coffee, black. We bicker and fight over inane subjects, topics that matter none at all, or worse… over misunderstandings, but no matter what, no matter when, no matter how, when push comes to shove… she’s still my sister.

Which reminds me of an old saying (probably from some 1950′s movie I’ve watched)…

Don’t you dare… pick on my sister, mister!

Maintaining our friendship at times during these years has been difficult, in fact, there were many years that I avoided too much communication, because I couldn’t handle more emotional beatings.

As a Christian, she felt it her responsibility to remind me that I was to submit myself willingly to my husband during our marriage.  When my husband chose to leave his family, deny his children and abandon the life we’d planned, I followed the Bible and allowed him to go. I didn’t invite him or pressure him back.

Recently, I’ve noticed she complains a lot about her husband, referring to him as overly dependent and co-dependent. Her level of submission to her husband is nil. Nothing left of it, and yet… she’s following the same brutal pattern of force feeding her version of Christianity to others. Repeatedly she reminds me that I’m to forgive my ex husband and pray for him, my “personal enemy,” and yet… she’s missing her own point of action.

My point in sharing this right now is that more and more often I feel judged by “so-called” Christians who feel they know more than anyone else about how to “love one another” and yet, those kinds of people are the hardest on their loved ones. They’re demanding, over-zealous and relentlessly unforgiving of the faults of others. Their judgments often leave others feeling battered and attacked by the very people who should be loving them and holding them up in prayer, instead of beating them into submission, or battering them into non-resistance.

This is not the kind of Christianity I was raised to trust and believe in, give my life to and live. The gift of Grace belongs to each of us, if we’ll only believe, trust and receive the gift of God’s love, His Son and Salvation.

There’s no time to feel resentful and unforgiving of others, and yet, there’s something significantly wrong with always being the victim of a battering ram and never opening up for a counter attack in self defense. At some point in almost every relationship, there’s a point of no return where you must counter attack to maintain the balance of power within the relationship. Even in a marriage where one willingly submits to the other, the counter attack, or defense of your position is required to maintain balance, if the person you submit to doesn’t acknowledge the gift you’re giving.

When the people of the church acted outside God’s will, Christ upset tables and threw a Holy fit, bringing the righteous people of the church to task for disobeying God’s will inside the church. Righteous dignity stands up for what is right and good and true in the eyes of God.

Submission is a gentle gift given to a person already submitted to Christ, the head of Christianity. Otherwise, submission is a derogatory and dirty form of slavery under which no person should be forced to live.

Yesterday I drove west down Belleview Avenue and enjoyed the colored variations of the mountains rising in the distance. Magnificent. The only word they bring to mind, the majestic Rockies rising out of the valley to the skies, covered in pines and holding tight to the snow caps.

Nothing in my world says romance like the mountains. I love the crisp mountain air, the fresh provocative views of trees with or without leaves, pines daring to reach the skies and more… anything I can see in the mountains reminds me of the glorious feeling of being loved.

So, the trick to being my Valentine, is the mountains. Of course, there are many more parts to that trick… and those you’ll have to learn by getting to know me better. But for this moment, let it be known that if there’s a Valentine out there that would like to be mine… I’m available. :0

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to a friend how I never seem to have time for “me”. It’s not a lot of time I ask, just time to grab a glass of water, or exercise for thirty minutes on the tramp. I just feel like I live in a pressure devise always rushing from one job to the next, pushed for time, and stressed to the max. Home isn’t a haven anymore…

That’s when I realized what was going on.

Home isn’t a haven.

Home is where I work, play, read to the kids, teach the grandchildren, keep up with “stuff” and rush to get the work done, but I don’t get to RELAX here. With all the things on my to-do list, I no longer get to just BE here.

Therein lies the challenge. I must find time to just be.

I’ve never watched television. A good movie now and then, but watching nightly boredom just seems like so much drivel to me and in the rush to live my own life, I never take time to get interested in a series. That’s it. I’m not interested in the series. So, I don’t watch.

I love to read, but it takes a special kind of book to capture my interest. Too much drama, I’m outa there. Too much action, forgetaboutit! Too much sex, boring. Who wants to READ about it?

There was a time when I wanted to spend time with someone special, but there hasn’t been someone special in a long time. Am I lonely? Maybe?

I’ve tried to get interested in a few men, but most of the men I’m interested in are either too busy living their own lives or married. Those who might be interested, or who have shown an interest are so stuck in neutral that they can’t move past their own parking spot.

Most recently, I actually dated a guy who was so stuck on his health going south that I watched him drown in his own issues. He was always waiting on the next health related test to determine what he was able to do with his life, sucking all the life out of himself and anyone who would listen to his next great illness. At the tender age of 48, he was sure he’d have to live out his life on medication and wanted to know how he’d afford that, since he’d been out of work for most of the past three years. Woe is him…

There’s a difference between being sick and thinking sick.

I’m excited about all that life has to offer and how much of it I can participate in on an average day. I’d love to share that with someone who wants to actively pursue having a good life. If there’s any takers out there, ready to live life to the fullest and pursue the good life, come on out. Let’s get together and see how much fun we can have — we might even find that having OUR kids and OUR grandchildren over for a weekend is FUN. And then there’s the times when we either don’t have any kids over or the kids are all busy on their own.

YEAHAw! We can have a good time.

That’s what this life is about. Let’s capture the sizzle and sell the storm. We don’t need to wait until the storms of life die down and go away to live. We do need to find time during the storm to appreciate the lightning, the thunder and the rain.

I’m going to go get that glass of water now.