Am I Ever Good Enough

There are moments in my life when I question the value of my attempts at achievement or accomplishment, although I know in my heart that I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I still doubt.

As a parent, I’ve found that my job is pretty much done… I’ve raise four amazing children, now adults who are quite capable of living their own lives, without me if necessary, although they’re not interested in giving me up, just yet… Nor am I willing to let them go. I love the people who they have become and appreciate much that they’ve become who they are, in spite of what I’ve done, or said, or been in their lives. The magnificence of being a parent has not been wasted on me. I can only admire the brilliance of a God who created man and woman to reproduce and allowed woman the blessing of bearing her seed, watching it grow, and guiding that seed as time passed into the majestic and rewarding treasures that they do eventually become.

No, in my mind, it was never about surviving the terrible twos, the terrifying threes, or the f***ing fours (as my daughter’s friend termed them when her child was there) but rather about acknowledging the thrill of watching my children overcome the many obstacles that came between them and their great accomplishments. I was the mom who sat back, amazed, deliriously content to revel in my children’s success, as if it were my own… though never pushing them to achieve my dreams and carefully choosing NEVER to live through them. The joy I found was unmeasurable and unlimited.

Today, as I close my eyes in prayer, yet one more time for the day to go smooth, for the hours to rush by, and for the minutes to fill up with pleasant happy times that will make for pleasant happy memories we’ll remember, forever, I realize that nothing I do will make this moment perfect. I have to leave the “perfect” up to God and just do my best. That has to be good enough… has to be…

Because as the moments pass, as the hours go by, and as the days come and go, I’m not in control of good enough, I’m only in control of what I say and do in the moment, and how that is perceived is up to someone else… Only God is perfect… and I can only hope I’m good ‘enough’.

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